Occasionally Asked Questions

+ Who are you?

Hi, my name is Jeremy Kalgreen. I live in Columbus Ohio. I’m a slacker, former art student, and general ne’er-do-well. Also, I sometimes take pictures

+ Wait, are you serious with this I’m Voting Tea Party shit?

No, no, no, no. I promise, this is meant to be parody. I hoped this would be totally obvious, but alas my e-mail says otherwise.

+ Harrumph good sir, the Tea Party doesn’t even have an official policy on most of these issues. You call this a cogent argument against my beloved Tea Party? ‘Tis naught but a straw man. I say again, Harrumph!

Yeah, oh fair enough.
 
These shirts aren’t meant to be some deep argument against the official policies of the Tea Party, I’m just here to poke fun at the nutters that are drawn to the tea party.
 
Bottom line, this is a funny t-shirt website, this isn’t the CBS Evening News. Hell, I’m not even allowed on there anymore since that time I totally misread some signals from Connie Chung and… it.. got.. awkward…

+ You doltful dunderpuss! Obama isn’t even right handed.

Yes that is correct. Part of the joke for many of these shirts is that they are factually inaccurate: Obama was born in Hawaii not some scary far off land, Social Security is already a government program, gays already have the right to vote and Obama is left handed. “Grossly misinformed” was my watchword when designing these shirts.
 
For the “Right Handed Like Hitler” shirt in particular I was just trying to convey the most general and useless way to compare someone to Hitler. I was thinking about using either “carbon based life form” or handedness. I checked to see if he was a righty or not and when I saw that he was a lefty I figured the joke worked better that way since A.) the vast majority of people are right handed, making it a pretty useless way to compare someone to Hitler since it applies to nearly everyone, and B.) in this case he’s actually part of the small minority that doesn’t fit the bill, making the comparison even more ill informed and foolish.

+ So are these shirts crappy iron-on transfers?

No, no, absolutely not. My shirts use one of two much nicer printing methods, mostly I use a method known as plot printing. Instead of using printed iron-on transfers to convert bitmaps into designs Spreadshirt allows me to use their crazy machines to apply highly durable richly colored inks onto fabric in vector based designs. For my History League and It is Dangerous to Go Alone lineups I also use Digital Direct printing (because the details are little too fine for plot printing), where these big printers print directly onto the surface of the fabric, like a giant inkjet. These produce much better quality than the old iron-on style, but aren’t quite as vibrant as the plot printed stuff.

+ My slavish devotion to you compells me to seek out every new shirt you post. Is there any way to keep better abreast of your new offerings?

Sure! The best way is to subscribe to my new design mailing list. But also facebook and twitter would work in a pinch.

+ So they aren’t gonna go all crappy after a few washes?

Nope, nope. Scout’s honor. For more info on Plot Printing just click here.

+ Are these shirts made up of that lame-ass wafer-thin fabric? I don’t wanna be buying no damn undershirt.

No, no, no. I wouldn’t do that to you. Spreadshirt offers lightweight (now renamed “standard weight”) Tees, but I avoid them because I don’t wanna be buying no damn undershirt. Heavyweight fabric forever!
 
* update *
 
Ok, ok. The kids out there in Computer Land wanted, nay demanded, some lighter shirts. Who am I to judge? So I got a few test samples and it turns out the Standard weight Tees aren’t no damn undershirts after all, in fact they have a real nice feel to them which, honestly, is almost indistinguishable from the heavyweights. So it turns out I misjudged the lighter shirts, and now I believe Heavyweights and Standard Weights can live together in peace and harmony.
 
It’s just like the Klingons. Back in the original Star Trek we were all like, “y’all go back from where you came from, we don’t want yer kind stealing our federation wimmin”. But then a few years later Worf is enriching all our lives by smashing Geordi’s mandolin:

+ How much do these shirts cost? Why don’t you just list them on the main page? Are you hiding something from us, perhaps some terrible secret?

Yikes, well all you gotta do is click on the picture, it’ll tell you how much that design would cost depending on what kind of shirt you want to put it on. Since the cost varies depending on style, I couldn’t really put the price on the main page. How would you know if that was the T-shirt price or the girly ringer price just from looking at the design? You can either pick from my pre-selected styles, which run anywhere from $14.00 to $25.00. Or you can give our custom designer a whirl, but those prices are set by the fine folks at Spreadshirt and usually run higher.

+ I’m a portly gent, and I seek a more accommodating garment. Might you stock sizes appropriate for a person of my carriage?

I hear you buddy, I’m like 6’4″ and built like a box of cupcakes. We do however have some 3XL and 4XL shirts squirreled away, the trick is you gotta use our custom designer to get at ’em. From there just click on the apparel tab and it’ll show the big list of shirt options, and buried in there are the larger shirts.
 
In this case it can be a bit confusing as the customizer will have the larger shirts as their own separate products (i.e. Mens 3XL Tee will be its own product, and not just a size option on another product), and I’m afraid you’ll have to dig through the apparel options to find them.

+ I see you have my rotund friend above covered, but what about tall and gangly folks (or perhaps tall AND rotund) such as myself? Might we too be able to bask in the glory of your shirts?

Good news, we have recently added Extra Tall shirts as well in sizes XLT, 2XLT and 3XLT. Again, the trick is you gotta use our custom designer to get at ’em. From there just click on the apparel tab and it’ll show the big list of shirt options, and buried in there are the mens tall shirts.

+ Where are your bloody size charts! *waves gun threateningly* I mean it, if you don’t show me where the size charts are the girl gets it!

Woah, woah buddy, calm down. Don’t do anything you’ll regret, we’ve got your non-sequential unmarked size charts, don’t worry.
 
Each individual product has a link to its size chart, but you need to get to that specific shirts subpage to see it. One way to get there is when looking at the block of products, just click on a specific shirt without picking a size, that will take you to an expanded info page for that shirt, and on that page there will be a size chart right next to the “pick a size” dropdown (yeah, we could have made that easier to find):
 

+ Where do you ship to, and how much does it cost?

Well first of all, we ship a whole lotta places, for many different costs. Jump on over to the shipping page for a full rundown.
 
I have recently expanded our shipping options by integrating working with our pals over at Spreadshirt Germany. If you use this special custom designer to create your own shirts the order will be processed across the pond. What that means for you, dear Europe, is cheaper faster shipping, and even better we can now ship to a number of additional countries. Click that link for a full rundown.

+ Why can’t I add anything to my cart (or log in)?

The dreaded cookie problem! Click here for more info.

+ What is your return policy?

Well… Um… ok, here is the bad news. Remember that nifty “Plot Printing” I mentioned earlier as my fancy new printing method? Well it turns out there is one drawback to using this system. See, each shirt is printed on demand and made to order, we don’t keep any stock and each shirt is treated as a custom beautiful unique snowflake. Because of this fact we just can’t accept most returns. Now if we screw up an order, then hell yes, we will fix it. But if you decide you would prefer a different size, or you just plum change your mind about your purchase I’m afraid we just can’t help you there. Yeah, I know, I’d prefer it the other way too.

+ So are you gonna make a crap load of money off running an online shirt store?

Oh, who knows. My dream is to one day be hanging out somewhere and see some stranger walk in wearing a shirt of my design. Help make my dream come true, you know, so I have something to tell my grandkids.

+ Can I e-mail you to inform you of fantastic advances in penis creams and low rate mortgages?

No.

+ Can I e-mail you to shower you in praise and grovel at your feet?

Of course.

Can you draw me a hand turkey?

Well… OK.